New Year is Coming

Peace Be Upon You...

 Photo credit

Less than 4 days, the number on the calender year will hit 2013. I just can't make up my mind what resolutions to choose. Hmm I have never had new year resolution I guess, or even if I have had one, I never really accomplish them haha. Many people back home in Malaysia are planning where to celebrate new year. Another thing, I have never celebrate new year's eve may it be back in Malaysia or here in the UK. I spent most o of the time at home or travelling away from home when it is new year time. And this year too, I will be spending most of my leftover holidays at home finishing assignment and writing the endless dissertation.

Speaking of writing academic thing really wears me out. My brain just feel like it has been drained and squeezed to the extent that it has no juice left..grrr. And sometimes came the idea of quitting learning somehow.I am really scared about this because I have already had the experience of moving into various institutions and it really gives me goosebumps. I just want to finish this one and be free to start my next stage of life. And when I was down with the negative statement of wanting to quit learning I found this;

'Bila kamu tak tahan lelahnya belajar,

maka kamu akan menanggung peritnya kebodohan.

-Imam Syafie- 

When I read this quote, it struct me hard in the face and in the hard. This is super true and plus it was narrated by Imam Syafie some more. Yeah at time we will have this giving up phase in studying but we just need to remember the reason for us studying hard and it is none other than for the sake of Allah.

Have You Ever Feel Scared that You Killed?

Peace Be Upon You...

I was once very scared that made me killed. I was too scared of a chicken and killed it to get rid my fear of it. It's not funny to me at that time that I killed that poor chicken, but now when I reminisce the incidence it was quite a hillarious story. I can't remember the exact year that incident happen but it might be when I reached 10. The poor chicken to me at that time was very cruel. It looks nasty with it's near bald head, evil eyes glaring at me every time our eyes met and chased me every time I happened to be near him (lets give him a gender and pronoun him :)) I just couldn't figure out what was interesting in this 10 years old girl that he chose to chase me around the compound. He was so annoying and scary at the same time that I took the courage to take a firewood that my mom used to boil water and swung it at him hard. 

 The chicken was ugly with baldy head and fewer feather...hukhuk . Not this types of chicken Photo credit

At that very moment I hit him hard with the wood, I ran away to the house and hide. Because I scared he will come back to life and haunt me again with his sharp claw and ugly baldy head. For five minute I hid behind my bed  I took the courage to go and check upon him. It was fortunate for me that he lied there motionless and his eyes were wide shut!! I thought to myself for two seconds...'He is dead'. I was glad for only 7 seconds before I realised that I need to face a bigger problem which was ... My MUM. Fortunately for me the evil 'spirit' living in the chicken was killed by me but unfortunate event for my mum that she lost a chicken.

For the next 2 minutes I felt restless not knowing what to do with the dead chicken. I cannot process the chicken as dinner as I was only 10 and have no idea how on earth to do that either. The voice in me told me to throw it away into the neighbour's land, the place with many bushes and tall thatches. It was the best idea I could think of. With all the guts in me and the courage brought by fear of mum, I carried the chicken by the leg and swung it two times before he landed in between the tall thatches without trace. I was doomed if any of the families found out.

Around two days after the unfortunate incident of the chicken, mum started to realised that one of her chicken went missing without trace. I was having cold sweat but control my face reaction in front of them and pretending not knowing anything and in fact mum would never suspected me in relation to her missing chicken as I have never showed interest in live chicken anyway. But I could not contain my guilty and slightly confessed that I have some little thing to do with the dissapearance of the chicken. That was how it goes. I confess and shockingly mum said she had already thinking of that thing happening. Mum instinct of her daughter and a chicken affair..Awesome.

This post is not actually to talk about the chicken incident but some awful situation I'm facing right now. The chicken incident is a true story by the way :) ermm. The difference between these two situation is that I'm not in the right place to kill anymore. I have been dealing with dissertation blues which mean final year blues as well. I couldn't kill the dissertation as it is not a living thing and I can't kill my lecturers as well as they are not the one who set the rule to graduate with degree I have to write a dissertation, its the institution that I have to kill. But how? If I'm to kill those people then I have to kill everybody..and of course in this foreign land killing is what err...oh god. Give me strength to go through this thing.

I already realised that in order for me to have fear free life I just need to face the thing that scared me the most but yeahh that is not easy man. Not easy, it required a lot of courage and hard work. Not the type that take a firewood and fire the target like I did to the chicken. It is more than that...ohh life is 

This is actually my rambling as I'm in the process of writing my dissertation which I haven't continue writing for almost three weeks. I lost my inspiration already and keep doing escapism and deviate from doing what I supposed to do. In a week or so, I will have the second meeting with my supervisor and I'm feeling like my inside is grumbling like there is earthquake and tremor inside there.

I really need to find that missing shoes again and keep walking the bumpy road in order to reach the end and ting the bell...arghhhhh

Christmas Sale

Peace Be Upon You...

Better known as boxing day, Christmas Sale is today the 26th of December. My second year spending it here in Plymouth. With pouring rain ad wet atmosphere,nothing really attracted me today. Plymouth has been wet and breezy for hmm I 'm not sure how long. It is been like this like forever. I started my day with a light cycle to a friend's house to send back his bicycle I borrowed yesterday. The borrowing is essential as I don't have any bicycle to ride neither extra money to buy one heheh but still I have the intention to ride bicycle..hmm. Well we need to have determination in order to do things right. Other than educational yeahh I'm all boost up with power and determination..Psy sighh.

Christmas shopping this year is the lamest thing I guess. I didn't buy many things and it is shocking even to myself. I went out of the house at 9.30 all geared up with backpack and bank card thinking if I would spend alot but fortunately ended up only buying 2 things. A non stick pot worth 7, a shirt and an essential wear. Thats all. I'm glad I'm not be friend with syaitan today. Alhamdulillah. 

Winter Break

Peace Be Upon You...


Winter Break has gone for a week now. I am...unfortunately stuck here the student village alone...again. This I have no plans whatsoever of going anywhere outside Plymouth. Basically not because I don't want to but rather things has gotten me tied at the leg. Hmmm ... its financial thing hahhahaaa huhu :( If not I would be happily walking and jumping around my way to Egypt, that was the initial plan for the break. Well then what to do, it is just sth that keep my life sweet isn't it? 

Most of my friends have gone to their places all around the world, Iceland, Jordan, Ireland, Italy and many many more. May it be for travelling or attending winter gathering, I'm not very sure of the reasons, just that I wish them take care and have fun yeahh. 

Ermmm so here I am spending my other two weeks at home not knowing yet what to do. Definitely not studying I guess..Ohh a bad students I am and lazy as hell too. Err...but since I have assignment due a week after the break that worth 3000 words and a chapter of my dissertation to be handed in a week earlier, then like it or not, I will have to work my lazy bum and start thinking about that though T_T

Argghh I hate the fact that I'm alone here in the house and in foreign and and I miss my mum and my niece ans twin nephews huhu. But can't really get in touch with them at this very moment. 

Lets end here before the rain start pouring hhooohoo. Literally :(

Will It Snow For Christmas

Peace Be Upon You...

Winter has been emmm... not so generous to us here in Plymouth I guess. I don't kinda remember how was the exact situation like for the previous 2 years but as I can recall, it is nothing like this. It is wet and not to mention gloomy almost every day since...not just winter but since Spring. Psy Sigh.. Today is the 22nd of December and it has been raining for 3 continuous days non-stop. On top of that it has also been warning of another flood hitting Devon for the second or countless times I don't know. The weather is not that extreme though. The recorded temperature for today is 14 degree average in day and 9 at night.

My wish for the last winter in the UK is to be able to feel the snow for maybe probably the last time as I don't dream of coming back here again in the coming future hahhaha. Feel like moving back to home country immediately or perhaps residing in any Asian country and not Caucasian country anymore. I only manage to experience snow in my first year. Plymouth is actually not a famous spot to receive snow anyway. It is located near the sea so obviously the location is not the right thing to be receiving that much snow. 2010 recorded light snow in most Devon but several places did got affected by the snow since small numbers of road were closed to traffic.Well, I didn't exactly played much snow in Devon. To experience extreme white snowy feel, I travelled to Scotland and Germany and I say you, it was blast all over. Freezing was the thing to explain. Hmmm so that was the first and seems like the last time I met with snow. Inside me right, I really yearn to see snow again right in front of my eyes maybe for the last time before I left the UK next summer :(

Home Alone

Peace Be Upon You...

I watched Home Alone like many many years ago, when I was small. I have forgotten how the plot goes like and how the annoyingly adorable kid did to the old man. Many think it was hillarious but for me it was more of a nasty maughty kid torturing the life of his neighbour. Oohh pity that old man really.

I'm not actually going to write about the movie in this post but rather describing what I am going through right. Sighh. Home alone. All my housemates had gone home for the holiday. Obviously Christmas is a day ahead and I'm stuck in the house not knowing what to do for the next two weeks of the holiday. It is like reminiscing the days I had back home where we will celebrating Raya but this time this is not my raya T__T But I'm not annoying and not naughty at all as I have no neighbours right now hohoho

Since the village in the new semester are occupied by 90% local so most of the students had gone home. And adding to my loneliness, most of my Malaysian friends also have gone away to lala land of their choice. Oh God, the village is so quiet come day come night. And when it rained, the sound of rain and strong winds be my friends. Ooohh. I don't even have the mood to go out of the house yet as the rain has not stop for three consecutive days. Give me patience Ya Allah. Huuuu

The only thing that keep me alive right now is my laptop and the speakers. That are the things that reminds me that there are more than empty houses around me. Arghh cannot wait to visit friends at the city center soon....*cricket sounds. But thank God I've never feel afraid to be alone at home, heheh really have father's gene in me..the blood of a brave strong man runs in me indeed :)

Stuff That Has Gotten Me

Peace be Upon You...

Been a while. Business is the right word to explain it all. Rather than business of things, it actually the things that ate me up. Busy is not all about doing beneficial stuff but for, I'm busy doing both beneficial but most of the time useless stuff. Time given for me is more than enough. Well God gave us 24 hours a day, no more no less for everybody equally everyday. Seems like I spent my time recklessly and unfortunately ended up grasping for air at the end of the day not been able to do things that I supposed to do.

Anyhoo, few days ago marked the first assignment I handed in for the third year. Been a long time since I last wrote any assignment but the writing stuff doesn't really start nor end there. There always complain that came from me saying that I don;t have enough time on doing things. Yeah I knew it myself that it is not the real thing. I just made up all those excuses because I was not taking care of my time management. Most of the time, I wasted my time doing soo many things that will not benefit me in any sense. O Lord, I realised that I was doing such a bad thing but that has been part of myself that I cannot get rid of in any ways. While doing all the disadvantageous stuff I'll ended up choked at neck looking at the time left to finish all my writing works. Hate myself to death for that grrrr.

And writing works has gotten me hating to the core. Honestly speaking, writing is not my field of preference since school time. I always hate it when it was time to have writing exams either in English or even bahasa. But since I have sunk myself into this battlefield, I have with to, even with the coldest hard accept the cruel fact that I have to write (like all the time gahhh). Writing has been haunting me like forever. Since my course require us to be able to write in every assignments, then I have option than to only the rules. We don't usually have exams and as I can remember, for 5 years of study, combine here and back in Malaysia we only have gone through 3 exams. I don't know either; whether I like exams or writing assignments. Hmmm well human are always ungrateful for what they have. If I have exams then I prefer writing assignments and If I have to only write assignments, I'll probably like exams better. Owhh what a kind of thinking is that. I remember my situation back in UiTM 5 years ago. My study revolves on being able to use your critical and imaginative mind while reading and writing are scarce. After a year, I said to myself,'I'm bored that I was not able to read and write anymore and I was all fed up to drawing and drafting anymore'. The last resort to that, I ended my study there and embarked on a new fresh journey. Now I am all locked up here for almost 5 years with one more year to go. I really hope that I'll be given strength of a super human to endure this hardship to finish my study. I'll all geared up and preparing myself to be back home. Ahhh really really can't wait.

Sehari-hari hidup

Peace Be Upon You...

19. Sungguh manusia diciptakan bersifat suka mengeluh
20. Apabila dia ditimpa kesusahan dia berkeluh kesah,
21. dan apabila mendapat kebaikan (harta) dia jadi kikir (kedekut)

Surah Al-Ma'arij

Saya sangat tertarik dengan 3 ayat dari surah Al-Ma'arij ini. Benarlah dari tafsir ayat diatas, manusia iaitu kita adalah hamba yang jarang bersyukur dan pula selalu meminta-minta. Suka pula berkeluh kesah. Apabila susah mengeluh dengan kesusahan itu dan apabila diberikan rezeki kita mudah lupa diri dan tidak bersyukur, malah merasa sayang untuk berkongsi apa yang diberikan oleh Allah S.W.T dengan orang lain. Kita selalu merasa tidak cukup dan apabila ingin diberi sedikit harta kepada orang lain, risau pula harta kita berkurang. Astaghfirullah. Begitulah sifat manusia.

 Usah ditudingkan kepada manusia lain, saya juga kadang tidak boleh lari dari sifat ini. Apabila sedikit susah dalam pelajaran dan kehidupan seharian, sering mengeluh dan rasa berat hati untuk menghadapi. Selalu pula mengungkit akan ujian2 yang Allah berikan. Memang amat sukar untuk merubah diri menjadi hamba yang sedar tapi itu bukan mustahil. Dan apabila ingin berkongsi sesuatu dengan yang lain mulalah berkira, apa yang akan tinggal dengan saya. Memang teruk sekali pemikiran ini.

Saya sedang berusaha dengan tekun untuk tidak merasa kikir dan kedekut dengan apa yang saya ada tapi kadang2 tewas dengan pujukan syaitan agar tidak berkongsi dengan manusia lain. Sukar sekali sebenarnya untuk punyai rasa berlapang dada ini. Hakikatnya kita sudah tahu sekian lama yang jika kita bersedekah dengan hati yang ikhlas maka balasan Allah kepada kita akan berlipat kali ganda dari apa yang kita berikan tapi untuk ada sifat tersebut amat-amatlah sukar sekali. Semoga kita dapat mendidik hati agar menjadi hamba Allah yang tidak berkira dan tenang dalam menghadapi ujian dan dugaan Allah kelak.

Berapakah Umur Kita Agaknya?

Peace Be Upon You...

Hari ni saya chat dengan adik saya. Adik saya di India, saya di Plymouth. Jauh, makanya menggunakan platforn chatting lah yang menjadi penghubung antara kami.Oleh sebab saya dan adik baru saja install Oovoo semalam makanya hari ni kami mahu cuba-cuba gunakan kaedah chat Oovoo pulak instead skype yang kami selalu guna. Hari ni saya tidak skype ke kampung sebab semalam baru saja skype dan sudah mendapat perkembangan keluarga di kampung. Abang dan seorang daripada kakak berada di kampung. Mereka dua-dua pon cikgu makanya cuti sekolah ini haruslah pulang ke kampung. Ke mana lagi mahu pergi jika bukan pulang ke rumah tempat dibesarkan. Tiga anak saudara juga ada bersama tapi masih belum berpeluang mahu melihat keletah si kembar. Bila skype saje mereka sudah tidur. Perbezaan masa 8 jam membuatkan banyak perkara agak terbatas tapi semua itu rasanya sudah terbiasa.

Dalam asyik bersembang berbagai perkara yang nyata semuanya isu dunia, adik menulis memberitahu bahawa mak saudara sebelah ibu sudah meninggal. Tersentak seketika. Terfikir sejenak. Berhenti beberapa saat. Berfikir. Hari ini baru saya tahu. Ibu saudara meninggal minggu lepas. Saya tidak kesal kerana tahu lewat. Mengetahui ini sudah membuatkan saya syukur. Sekurang-kurangnya sekarang saya tahu bagaimana keadaan dunia di sebelah sana.

Beberapa hari lepas: Dalam mimpi saya muncul mak saudara yang sudah beberapa tahun tidak saya ketemu. Bngaun paginya tertanya-tanya, kenapa tiba-tiba termimpikan mak saudara. Lalu terjengah di benak, bagaimana keadaanya sekarang, adakah dia masih ada. Rupanya mimpi ini ingin memberitahu suatu perkhabaran tentang beliau. Ya Allah

Saya tidak sangat mengenali beliau tetapi saya tahu yang hubungan kami adalah ibu saudara dengan anak saudara. Bertemu jarang sekali kerana permasalahan keluarga. Saya ingin sangat mengenali beliau tetapi terbatas atas sebab2 tertentu hajat hanya tinggal hajat. Saya hanya tahu nama panggilan beliau tetapi tidak nama penuh beliau.Sedihnya. Boleh dkira dengan jari bilangan saya bertemu dengan beliau. Mungkin semasa kecil pernah berjumpa tetapi saya tidak ingat bagaimana rupa dan susuk tubuhnya bagaimana. Saya tahu dia sakit dan itu sudah lama,mungkin berbelas tahun dan tidak sembuh sehingga saat dia menghembuskan nafas terakhir

Dan saya terfikir, dia sudah tiada lagi. Hajat saya mungkin tinggal hajat tetapi saya tetap boleh mendoakan dia agar tenang di sana. Dan walaupon saya tidak tahu nama penuhnya saya tetap boleh menghadiahkan doa buatnya dan saya yakin Allah akan menerima dan tahu ia adalah untuk beliau.

Sya terfikir lagi, bulan Januari lepas datuk meninggal dunia dan minggu lepas ibu saudara. Ter fikir sejenak, semua manusia yang hidup pasti merasa mati. Itu adalah fakta yang tidak boleh disangkal oleh sesiapa pun. Kita semua manusia, milik Allah. Dan tahukah kita berapakah umur akhir kita.Kita tidak tahu bukan. Bukan sekadar kita tidak tahu berapa umur akhir kita, malah kita tidak akan tahu bila dan dimanakah kita akan menghembuskan nafas terakhir kita. Sesungguhnya kita hidup sekarang juga diatas belas kasihan Allah. Sudahkah kita bersyukr akan apa yang kita ada. Sudahkah kita mengucapkan Alhamdulillah kepada Allah hari ini. Dengan apa yang kita miliki, dengan udara yang kita sedut secara percuma. Sampai bilakah kita akan menikmati semua pemberian Allah ini. Kita hidup seolah-olah tidak sedar yang kita akan mati. Dan apa yang lebih menggerunkan ialah kita tidak tahu sampai bilakah akan kita berada di dunia ini. Ini hakikat yang menggerunkan tetapi belum cukup untuk menggerunkan kita unutk turun bersujud kepada Allah. Mengenangkan bekalan kita yang kita ada yang kita tidak tahu sebanyak mana telah kita kumpul itu, juga tidak cukup untuk membuatkan kita menangis ketakutan saat ini.

Procrastination Makes Work HARD

Peace Be Upon You...

I usually have lots of work to be done in a week of school days , with homework from lecture and all. But I sometime always wanted to run away from the fact that I have to finish my work on time. Almost all the time I just do other job to escape doing the work that I need to do but at the end of the day I have to work extra harder to finish work that usually due the next day.

Tomorrow I have a presentation to do on nation state seminar and I haven't finish practising my speech yet..Arghhhhh. I hate myself for that

Miss

Peace Be Upon You...

I am a Miss not yet a Mrs. Kidding. That is not the point I want to highlight in this post. Miss can mean different thing in different perspective. The first Miss is your title. The second Miss is fail to attend or reach something at certain point which usually 'miss the bus'. The third one is Miss relating to feeling. I am at number 3 right now. The feeling of missing people or something. I miss home. Very much. It has been nearly three years that I come to live here and I went back home every summer break for the last two years. Two years. I think 2 years is long enough for me to feel and to know what it is like to not live with family. Or maybe I'm such a spoil child. It's both I guess.

I never thought that I would have this feeling of homesickness in me only after 2 years. My first and second years I can say enjoyable. I did not really think about home much. Maybe I was still in a situation of adjusting and liking every new thing that came across in life at that moment. Now after I knew almost everything that I have to know here, there are nothing new to discover. That is my thought. Life has become merely a routine. Morning; go to class. Finish class, come back home and the same thing happen every single weekdays. And the same thing goes with weekends. If at first when first came here two years ago, I was very eager to know places and can't wait to enjoy and go to any places that I heard from seniors. I literally have fun and was enjoying myself being an explorer of my own world. Now that all that thing has become too common for me, I have no heart of visiting anymore. Even the city center has become a boring place. 

Even though I will likely to miss this place very much when I go back home next year but I miss my hometown more. Undeniable. Right now, the one that I ask for is myself to be given patience to be able to cope with this excruciating feeling of mine. I hope I will perform well in my studies no matter how hard it is. It is harder to focus when your mind is not with you. 

Nothing more that I wish, I could finish my studies with good impression of myself. May ALLAH Bless us with his kindness. Amin

On another note: Two of my seniors which are the same age as me are getting married this December. Really happy for them and Barakallah my dear friends ^_^

In The Name

Peace Be Upon You...

Ada roti namanya harimau. Kulit dia keras dan agak berkerutu tapi dalamnya lembut dan sedap. Saya suka!

Apa nama anda? Anda menyukainya? Nama moden atau nama klasik? Apa maksud nama anda? Anda tahu?.  Nama bukan perkara remeh. Ia adalah representasi kepada peribadi seseorang. Mencerminkan pemilik nama tersebut. Apabila disebut ia adalah doa kepada pemilik nama. 

Nama saya apa maksudnya? Apa nama saya ye...hmmm. Dulu nama saya tiada makna. Masa sekolah rendah dulu-dulu, ada rakan pernah bawa sebuah buku tajuknya, 'Maksud nama-nama Islam' ke sekolah. Emak dan ayah tak pernah bagi tahu saya apa maksud nama saya jadi saya rasa ingin tahu. Cantikkah maksud nama saya? Ada kawan-kawan yang namanya bermaksud puteri, kemakmuran, keindahan,pemimpin dan banyak lagi yang saya sudah lupa dek dimamah tahun. Saya cari dalam buku berkenaan. Berkali-kali. Tapi tak jumpa. Saya sedih. Kenapa nama saya tiada maksud. Rasanya ada saje orang lain yang sama nama dengan saya, tak lah pelik sangat kot nama saya tapi kenapa nama saya tiada dalam senarai buku tersebut. Saya sedih. Tapi saya tak beritahu emak saya sebab saya rasa itu bukan penting sangat pon. 

Masa kecik, sebelum masuk tadika, saya ingat lagi, emak ajar saya belajar tulis nama saya atas kertas sebelum pertama kali pergi tadika. Saya duduk depan tv dan emak berhenti jahit baju dan ajar tulis nama saya guna huruf besar. Tulisan saya tak comel tapi boleh difahami. Emak ajar tulis huruf H, huruf R, huruf O dan 4 lagi huruf lain. Emak ajar tulis nama ayah sekali. Lepas belajar tulis nama dari emak, saya suka tulis nama. Semua benda saya nak tulis nama saya. Kerusi,meja, buku tulis, kain emak dan macam2 lagi tapi sesetangah benda emak marah kalau tulis nama. Saya pon ikut ajelah, sebab saya sayang emak saya. Tapi masa hari pertama masuk tadika saya menangis, berpaut dekat kaki ayah sebab saya tak pernah berpisah dengan emak saya. Ayah marah saya, saya takut bila ayah marah. Dulu ayah garang, tapi ayah dah tak garang lagi sekarang. Saya pon pelik. Walaupun garang ayah tak pernah pukul saya walaupun saya buat silap. Saya selalu nak dapat nombor satu dalam kelas supaya ayah gembira. Ayah baik sekarang hehe.

Masuk sekolah rendah, saya suruh kakak tulis nama saya dekat semua buku teks, buku latihan dan buku tulis saya. Saya suka tulis nama tapi tulisan saya tak cantik macam tulisan kakak. Tulisan saya kecik dan kurus. Tak cantik. Tulisan kakak bulat-bulat dan serong sikit. Saya suka. Tapi kakak tak suka saya suruh dia tulis nama dekat buku saya. Dia suruh saya tulis nama sendiri, lepas tu saya bagi tahu emak. Kakak pon marah saya, dia kata saya suka mengadu ^_^. Kawan pon puji saya tulis nama dekat buku cantik tapi saya tak bagitahu mereka kakak saya yang tulis. Saya suka diorang puji saya. 

Masa sekolah rendah, kawan tanya saya, ' apa nama awak?' Saya suka buat kawan baru dulu-dulu. Saya akan jawab dan tanya nama diorang pula. Saya suka bila mereka panggil nama saya macam mak panggil saya sekat rumah sebab saya tahu itu nama saya. Semua kawan2 saya panggil nama saya macam dekat rumah sampailah saya darjah enam. Saya sekolah kampung, semua kawan saya mak ayah saya kenal. 

Nampaknya saya dah besar. Umur saya dah 13 tahun. Saya tak boleh sekolah dekat dengan rumah lagi. Saya kene keluar rumah awal, naik bas pergi sekolah. Saya tak suka sangat tapi saya suka sekolah tu sebab dia sekolah baru. Pelajar tak ramai, tak sesak sangat. Minggu pertama sekolah saya tak ramai sangat kawan. Saya masuk kelas tapi tak ada satu pun kawan masa saya sekolah rendah satu kelas dengan saya. Saya sunyi tapi saya rasa saya ok aje. Orang tanya nama saya, saya jawab. Nama mereka sedap-sedap lah saya rasa.Tak macam nama saya. Nama diorang moden-moden. Tak ada sorang pon nama macam saya. Kawan sekolah rendah saya sepatutnya sekelas dengan saya tapi dia dah pindah. Sekolah dekat rumah. Saya sedih sangat. Nama dia lebih kurang dengan saya tapi dia dah tak ade dalam kelas lagi. Rakan semeja saya tanya kenapa budak tu pindah? Saya cakap tak tahu. Dia kutuk nama kawan saya. Dia kata, 'Oloh nama apa macam ni?' Dia mulut jahat. Saya nak marah tapi nama saya pon macamtu jugak, saya sedih. Saya tak suka kawan semeja saya. Dia selalu buat saya rasa tak selesa.

Masa sekolah menengah kawan2 saya tak panggil nama saya macam mak panggil dah.Saya rasa dah besar. Saya rasa geli. Nama tu nama manja saye. Kawan saya panggil nama penuh saya tapi macam panjang la pulak tapi saya redho je. Kalau ade orang tanya nama saya, saya reluctant nak bagi tahu. Sya tak suka sebab diorang selalu cakap nama saya klasik. Saya benci orang kutuk nama saya. Kalaupon nama diorang moden dan sedap janganlah kutuk nama saya. Tak baik tau. Tapi saya tak bagi tau emak saya sebab saya rasa saya dah besar masa tu tapi saya masih selalu ngangis kalau saya rasa susah. Kawan baik saya panggil saya guna nama penyanyi lelaki British. Saya pon tak tahu kenapa tapi mungkin sebab saya selalu dengar lagu nyanyian kot tapi saya takdelah minat sangat pon. Kawan2 lain pon ikut panggil macam tu jugak. Saya tak kisah asal jangan panggil nama pelik2 dan nama saya dekat rumah. Pernah sekali ustazah pelik dengar kawan panggil nama saya, saya pon tak tahu nak jawab ape hehehe

Bila masuk universiti, saya tukar balik nama panggilan saya dekat kawan2 saya. Mereka panggil saya macam dekat rumah. Saya tak suka sangat tapi saya tak suka nama penyanyi tu. Dia bukan Islam pon. Tak syoklah gitu kan. Kalau orang tanya nama saya, saya bagi tahu nama pendek. Diorang still tanya nama penuh.Saya tak nak jawab tapi macam tak mesra lah pulak kan. Mereka masih komen benda yang sama, eh klasiknya nama. Rasa macam mahu tumbuk aje muka mereka tapi mak ajar saya supaya sabar. Jadi saya pon tak ambil hati. Selama 20 tahun, saya ingat nama saya tak ade maksud. Pernah saya tanya emak dengan ayah, siapa yang bagi nama saya ni? Mak cakap orang alim dekat tepi rumah atuk. Tapi kenapa nama saya tak ade maksud mak? Mak tak tahu nak jawab ape. Ni mesti kes mak tak tengok buku dulu ni sebelom bagi tahu encik polis dulu-dulu masa tulis dalamsurat beranak ni ehhehe. Saya mulalah nak emo tapi malaslah emo-emo nanti mood saya tak baik

Masa umur 21, saya baru tahu yang sebenarnya ejaan nama saya tu yang silap sebenarnya. Nama saya ada maksud. Banyak pulak tu. Dan yang paling penting, makna disebalik nama saya sangat indah, sehingga buatkan saya hampir menitiskan air mata. Dulu saya benci nama saya sebab orang kutuk klasik dan legend la, apa la tapi sekarang saya sangatsuka nama saya. Maksudnya baik sekali yang tak pernah saya tahu pon sebelum ini. Jadi saya tak jeles lagi dengan nama kawan saya.

Dua hijrah. Tenang dan mendamaikan. Itulah maksud nama saya. Indah bukan? Nama saya ini adalah seperti nama anak Nabi kita Muhammad S.A.W. Dua hijrah derive daripada dua hijrah yang dilakukan oleh puteri baginda yang mengikuti 2 hijrah. Pertama; hijrah ke Habsyah selepas beliau berkahwin dengan Uthman Bin Affan. Rombongan Kaum Muhajirin ke Habsyah (kini Ethiopia) membawa 11 orang wanita dan beliau salah seorang dari mereka. Mereka meninggalkan kesenangan yang dikecapi untuk sama2 berdakwah. Hijrah kedua beliau adalah Hijrah ke Madinah dan beliau merupakan Puteri Rasulullah yang melakukan 2 kali hijrah dan atas sebab itulah beliau dikenali dan digelar sebagai 2 hijrah.

Rasanya terlalu besar dan mulia pengorbanan yang dilakukan oleh puteri nabi yang melakukan 2 hijrah ini. Satu penghormatan yang amat besar bagi saya untuk membawa maksud nama ini. Sesungguhnya saya hanyalah insan yang hina yang terlalu banyak melakukan dosa setiap hari. Tetapi saya merasa sangat bersyukur kerana nama yang baik yang saya idam-idamkan selama ini semamangnya telah ada pada saya sejak saya dilahirkan lagi cuma saya sahaja yang kurang ilmu pengetahuan untuk sedar akan itu. Nama itu menggambarkan peribadi pemiliknya, maka saya sangat berharap yang saya dapat membawa maksud baik nama saya dan tidak mencemarkan nama yang telah ibu dan ayah berikan kepada saya. Mungkin saya tidak sehebat puteri rasulullah tetapi I really hope that I can live up to what my name suppose. InsyaALLAH. Hijrah pertama telah saya lakukan setibanya saya di Bumi UK ini. Semoga perubahan yang baik ini dapat dikekalkan dan diteruskan dan agar saya dapat sentiasa memperbaiki kelemahan diri setiap hari untuk menuju ke Jalan Allah. ^_^

What do we own?

Peace Be Upon You...

Nothing. That is a true statement. We own nothing. But you say, we have house, cars, money in the bank account. If that are not ours then who they belong to then? Allah. Simple.

Kita selalu terfikir untuk memiliki sesuatu yang lebih besar atau grand dari apa yang sudah ada bukan? Inginkan kereta mewah, gaji yang lebih besar dari apa yang kita terima sekarang. Mahukan makanan yang lebih lazat dari apa yang kita makan sekarang, mahu rumah yang lebih selesa dan macam-macam lagi yang kita mahukan. Tapi sedarkah kita yang semua yang kita miliki sekarang itu bukan milik kita.Semua itu pinjaman. Pinjaman dari Allah yang bermurah hati memberi kita peluang untuk merasa nikmat dunia buat sementara dan dalam masa yang sama menguji ketaqwaan kita terhadapnya. 

Bukan sekadar harta dunia ini pinjaman tetapi jasad dan nyawa kita juga adalah pinjamn terbesar dari Allah kepada kita. Kita mungkin berasa selesa dengan apa yang kita ada dan berasa bangga dengan kesenangan yang kita miliki dan itulah selalunya yang melalaikan kita. Kita lupa yang dunia ini hanyalah pinjaman dan terlupa untuk memperlakukan ia sebagai barang pinjaman. Kita lokek dan tamak akan kebendaan dan selalu alpa akan mereka yang tidak berkemampuan disekeliling kita. We forgot that we shouldn't be enjoying all that we have on own self but with others as well. We often become selfish with what we have and become blinded with the joyous life that the world serves us. 
We are too immense enjoying ourselves until it is time that Allah take awy all those wonderful things that we used to have in our life.

Therefore, before Allah take away all of the nikmah that He gave us, let us spread the joy and share it with people. Don't be stingy because it won't benefit us. Bersedekahlah dengan hati yang ikhlas. Jangan hanya memberi apabila diminta tetapi berilah dengan hati yang ikhlas dan zuhud mengingati Allah kerana itu adalah lebih baik

School Again

Peace Be Upon You...

Tomorrow I'll be going to school again. Not to teach but to be taught. This is the first time I'll be going to Sir John Hunt Community Sport College. Located in Plymouth but a little outskirt. Since transport won't be provided for me, then I'll need to find my own way to the school which definitely gonna be taxi. Hope that the school gonna be nice to me. Have so many task to do in school but really hoping that it'll be fun experience since this the last school experience I'll have in UK. It's gonna a tiring day I bet with the cold weather recently and I'll have to brave the cold it seems.

Paris: Not So Much Love

Peace Be Upon You...

The Eiffel Tower

Paris mungkin terkenal dengan jolokan kota cinta. Malah betapa banyak rancangan tv, drama, atau filem yang berlatarkan kota paris untuk menunjukkan yang kota paris Paris itu sangat sejoli untuk pasangan yang dilamun  cinta. Dan selama ini saya juga telah termakan segala apa yang dipaparkan di televisyen dan akhbar tentang betapa romatiknya kota Paris. Entahlah,memang mudah termakan dengan hasutan. Makanya saya pon pergilah ke Paris untuk merasa istimewanya Paris dengan 'cinta'. Bukannya untuk mencari cinta tetapi saja mahu melihat betapa istimewanya Paris dan struktur yang paling intim dengan Paris, Eiffel Tower. Perjalanan dari London Victoria station ke Paris mengambil masa lebih kurang 9 jam dgn bas. Disebabkan kekurangan kewangan maka bas adlh pilihan yang tepat memandangkan penerbangan teramat tidak berbaloi bagi pelajar seperti saya ni. Bas pukul 10.30 malam bertolak dari Victoria bergerak menuju Dover dan bertukar ke atas feri sebelum tiba di stesen Galleini di Paris pukul 5.00 pagi. Saya mulakan perjalanan pagi terus melulu ke Eiffel Tower dalam keadaan pagi yang sejuk bersuhu 0 degree. Bila sampai, saya rasa macam tak boleh sorok rasa kecewa bila tengok Eiffel Tower yang digembar-gemburkan itu hanyalah seperti besi berkarat bangunan tak siap huhuu. Atau mungkin saya saja yang tak pandai menghargai seni? T__T Puas saya keliling Eiffel Tower untuk cari spot cantik untuk diambil gambar tapi rasanya hampa saja yang dapat. Rasa menyesal pon ade sebabnya datang sejauh ini untuk ambik gamba bangunan besi x siap. Rasa tertipu dengan segala keindahan yang digambarkan dalam tv, padan muka sendiri sbb terlalu terpengaruh dengan tv huhuhhu. Puas saya tengok manalah yang romantik sgt dengan benda ni. Alahai pening kepala kejap. Orang lain asyik dudukambil gambar depan tower saya plk sibuk dk makan biskut dan roti. Apa2 jelah mereka ni. 

Musee Du Louvre a.k.a Museum Love

Lepas kecewa dengan besi buruk ingat nk jugalah masuk muzium cinta tengok potret monalisa tapi alih2 kawan pulak kene rompak dompetnya oleh pencopet. Memang kejadian tu merosakkan mood kami untuk terus berjalan keliling Paris. Pencopet2 di Paris ni memang cekap sebab kawan saya memang x perasaan langsung yang begnya dah terbukak lama. Habis hilang kad2 penting dan duit euro.Kasihan kawan saya tu. Makanya masa kami selama sejamdihabiskan dibalai polis untuk buat laporan polis.Sepnjg sejam disitu, hampir 5 orang berbaza masuk dan keluar utk buat laporan kehilangan beg duit. Memang dahsyat sungguh kota Paris ni dengan pencopetnya. Hajat dihati untuk tengok potret monalisa tak kesampaian bila balai polis menjadi tempat yang lebih selesa untuk duduk duduk berborak. 

Cukuplah komen yang tak berapa indah saya catatkan untuk Paris ni. Nanti ada yang tak sependapat pula. Rasanya terpulang pada individu tertentu kot untuk manifestasikan istilah kota cinta ni. Bagi saya Paris bukanlah tempat yang saya akan lawati buat kali kedua. Cukuplah datang sekali pon sudah memadai.Sekadar menjejakkan kaki dan tahu bagaimana tempat ini. Tiada yang istimewa dari kampung sendiri rasanya heheheh

Arc Du Triomphe

Saya pon tak tahulah apa yang dikatakan Paris ni sebagai kota cinta. Cinta manusia tak kekal bagi saya.Sekadar tengok besi buruk dan potret monalisa tu bukanlah cinta namanya ataupun saya yang terlalu pesimistik. Peace

Died down

Peace Be Upon You...

Almost a month since I started final year. Year has been ermmm how do I say...okay. Well, I have been to class for 4 weeks and next week I'll be having a week off. No special holiday in the UK but my university call that reading week so they give students one week off to actually read. And I'm telling you my honest confession that reading is not on my list at all ahahha. I think maybe it's called study week in Malaysia but here we are not getting any exams in the near future. I have been thinking of going to Paris for few days and come back to prepare for dissertation. Hmm my classmates and I are all in dissertation mood swing now cos we are all expected to start writing 10 thousand words research to be able to finish third year. That sounds excruciatingly pain the ^_^. 

Paris might be the last place I'll visit in Europe I think. I have a feeling that I have had enough of Europe even though I haven't been to all countries yet. I just have the feeling of not wanting to travel anymore. And since this is my final year here in the UK, my mind keep thinking of heading to my homeland and start a family of my own. Well I'm a dreamer but that's normal thing to request right. At my age now, starting a family is sth that is common and most of my friends have already did. I remember a sentence that my friend said to me last year listening to my stories of having plans to travel around Europe to see the world,' I do have plans on traveling but if I have the opportunity to be with my family and the people I love, then that is more rewarding than traveling'. It kinda grows on me lately. I realised that my love for travelling have slowly died down. Yeah, I too think that if I am able to be with my beloved family and loved ones, then travelling is not sth that I'll look forward to anymore. I'd rather spend my whole time with them. And luckily enough that friend of mine is going to get married soon in February next year and obviously I won't be ableto attend her wedding cos I will be very busy struggling to finish my dissie here. oh my god, I can't wait to go home... I just think that 3 years is enough for me to learn and to really feel how's life in foreign land. It taught me a lot; on life and on how to be a better human.

Is it Envy or Is it Jealousy?

Peace be Upon You...

In relation to the previous post of Jealousy, this time I will continue writing on the same title. Thinking back at my childhood time, I remember very vividly when was the exact time that I first develop this bad feeling of mine. It was when I just turned 8. I was in standard two at that time and it happened to be that I was with my 3 other relatives in my class. I was considered the oldest among us 4 as they all are my cousins' child so I am their parents' cousin (mind you my family has a quite awkward family tree, where the age difference between cousins and uncles/unties are huge by range of 8 to 60+ years of the youngest and the oldest) Among us all I can say that I'm the most average in living my life but in terms of intelligence we are all rather at the same level. Genius issue didn't exist at this very moment. At school I was in good terms with them 3 (2 girls and 1 boy, I will describe them by N, S and R) where we shared almost evrything we have. I shared my home brought food with them as my mom always pack food from home in order to save money and we were very happy with our little life. I can remember that one of them always give me 20 cents, because I think she pitied me but I never really understand her action back then. What a bummer I was duhhhh. Everything was smooth sailing until one day, when we finished our monthly exam and the teacher was distributing our answer sheet back to us. It was English subject and I didn't know why but I happens to love english very much. There are no  'teacher" or 'more knowledgeable other' in the family that taught us english as my parents can't speak nor understand english well but I came to like english and I read and watch tv programmes in english to polish up my english skill. Okay back to the exam story; my teacher said I was good because I got 99% but that wasn't actually good enough to beat another rivalry of mine. She was N and she got 100% and at that very moment the teacher (used to be my favourite teacher in school) said she had a present for those who got 100%. The present was a children story book. Actually the present was not all that dashing but as an 8 years old girl, I was mesmerized by the colourful pages of the book and started developing envy for her. It is obvious that I really want that book because I can't afford to buy one on my own or even if I told my mum to buy it for me, she has too many other important things to settle and won't make any difference if I got the book or not. What makes me even sadder was that our 1 mark margin. I thought the teacher would give another consolation prize for those who achieved second but to my disappointment there was none. I was questioning the validity of her marks compared to mine and the fact that she got outside help from tuition center that I obviously can't afford at that time. What an ungrateful kid I am..uuhhh T_T
After that incidence, I was so determined to get 100% in every english test and Alhamdulillah luckily I did. I was obviously happy to have achieved such a mark and you know,I was still a kid at that time. I was thinking, would the teacher give me any present for scoring 100%. The answer is a big 'NO'. I didn't receive any present what so ever it made me truly sad and dissapointed at the same time. I really want to have that lovely storybook. I didn't even tell my parents I got 100% and they only knew it when I brought back my record book. Somehow, that incident did mark my first time of feeling  jealous towards my friend. Alhamdulillah, eventhough I was still a kid at that time, I didn't let the angry and jealous feeling of mine drown me away. I did manage to banish my dissapointment of not getting any prize for scoring in exams away and keep on my determination to keep first place in my hand. I just let the incident slide and continue schooling as usual and enjoy every english class I attend. I realised that my passion in english grew stronger and I started helping my friends with their readings and pronunciation problem and I enjoyed being a help to them since then. My school is in kampung area so not many students are exposed to english. Everyone prefer using their native language and very rarely listen to english medium context. I learned it the hard way because I can't afford going to extra classes at the town so I read on my own, listen to english news on the tv and do some other work to polish my english and I did achieve what I want. I was able to be the highest achiever in my class and yes the teacher did saw my passion and praised me. Her praise was the happiest thing I ever received at the age 9. After some time passed by, I didn't really think of getting prize anymore and we (friends) were all in good terms despite that I envied her back then. Not long after we reached 9, two of them (N and R) switched school leaving me with S. I felt a little lost but life continues. After they've gone, I have no competitors that always want to snatch 1st place from me anymore and I can say my envy and jealousy has died down for that time until it strikes back a few years later in secondary school..sighhhh

Unavoidable Jealousy

Peace Be Upon You...

Throughout our life no matter how long have we lived in this world, there would be times where the feeling of jealousy creeps into ourselves. There are too many things that happens in our life that make us feel jealous of our environment or is it just me who feel this way. When I was young, I went to school with the intention of succeeding in my study or at least get number one in class and of course this is what all students want as the outcome of their gruesome years in school. Yes and it is no easy job to always get number one in class for every exams we had. I do not come from rich family and what I really want that time was to make myself better and change the way I lived my life and like it or not the people around me have shaped me into a person who believe in the notion of success in life is when you excel in your studies in school, get enrolled into university into at least medical, engineering, architectural or law courses and then work and get paid with high wages per month. My brain had been washed with the materialistic notion until I've become blackened with the intention of having more money means you are now a successful person. Well those things always sticks in my mid and soul and everytime I think about it. No matter how hard my studies were in secondary school, I pushed myself to perservere because I thought that it is the only way to help bring myself out of the hardship I was in. Secondary school was not the best thing that ever happened in my teenage years. Everyday, I spent 8 hours at school for normal days and extra 2 hours in exam years and it was truly tiring and brain squeezing time of my life. Sometimes, I feel like giving up study because the pressure of succeeding in SPM was too severe. And being in the first class with lots of brilliant and extremely hard working friends added to the tension distress life of mine. I was not born brilliant or genius in a sense that I really need to work extra hard than the other to get what I have. I can describe my self as a some sort of slow learner when it come to science and math subject. At first I just can't accept that why am I not like any other friends of mine who understands each and every formula given by the teacher at the first time they taught us. In order to really grasp on the topic I need to study them on my own for several times and also asked my friends help who happens to be utter genius in evrything. This even heated up my situation. Sometimes, I even have to do exercise on the same additional maths question for five times and still didn't get to solve it until I stained my calculation papers with tears. And the worst part of it I forget them very easily too, the way how to calculate it and how did I get the previous answers. This has made me very self conscious when it came to calculation thingy and hate all subjects that have any relation with numbers. Because of this, I nearly failed two important subjects in every examinations and everytime it was exam times, my tears never dried up. Frankly saying, my life in upper secondary years (2 years to be exact) was full with tears. I asked myself why did it too hard to get what I want. I just want to get good marks in SPM and enroll in university and become architect, but it seems to far away. My closest friend that happen to be my near relative (my classmate a.k.a deskmate) is a pure genius. She, in every exams that we did obtained the average of 90+ in every subject and that was the thing that I can only congratulate her with beaming eyes.

There was time when I questioned myself of the validity of luck and destiny. Is it that I was just having a bad luck in life that I was not successful in everything that I do. No matter how hard I try, I never really get to be the best. I was a good painter, but not good enough to get the highest mark in test. I was good in English (as my teacher said that and surprisingly I believed her) but never really get to be the best writer for essays and many other things. This has led me to cry my eyes out and crying has become my hobby back then. I will spend my time several days a week crying in every quite place I went reminiscing how bad luck I was having. At this moment, my motivation and confidence level dropped a few notches down and there were times when I don't feel like going to school. I didn't know how to express my feeling back then and find the mere excuses to pick a fight with my mum and didn't actually talk to her and everyone in the family for two consecutive weeks. My emotion was so severe that I didn't eat well and play well. I was having all the intention of not going to school but I was too nerdy to skip class.Despite the hateful feeling I have for school, I still successfully went to school but of course with heavy heart. Then I started developing jealousy towards my friends. I envy them for everything they have, for everything they own and even the slightest things annoys me. I envy them for having a good life and not having to work their ass of to have anything they want unlike me. As I said, I come from an average family with 5 siblings and at that times everyone were still in school. We have the most common thing that every commoners have. And If I want something, its either I have to get it myself by saving pocket money that I have or just keep it as a dream and shortlist them as items I would get when I earn my own money which happens to be 'I don't know when'. I was too afraid to ask from my parents as I think I will be burdening them with my wish wishlist. I remember at times in primary school where I just feel so sorry to ask them for 20 cents to buy candies and this was the beginning of me becoming a person who's goal is the materialistic glory and this was also the beginning of me becoming jealous of everything I see all around me. What a shame. This post is getting longer so I think I should put a hold on this title and maybe continue next time *_*

It Lies in Ourself

Peace Be Upon You...

Just know, I have finished reading an interesting article from a convert sister, an inspiring article by her entitled, 'why is it too hard to change?' Only reading at the title, it kinda rings a bell in my self. Frankly speaking,I have been asking myself the same question for quite sometimes right now. Yes.. it really does linger in my mind every time I asked my self the opinion to change..for betterment.For the past two years in the UK surrounded by Malaysian and also the locals, I have seen many things that opened my eyes and mind. Some aspects in life just turned me into something else but some aspect just left me hanging in the air wanting for detailed explanation on what is happening. I have seen quite a handful of friends and not quite friends changed, both for betterment and also I just don't wanna say worse but not  really good condition I would say. I just adore for those who actually find them soul here in the land far far away from home. To name a few changes they've made without mentioning their name is a wise decision here I guess. I observe this one lady that I knew four years ago when we're still in our foundation years back in Malaysia and to be honest she is a very vocal girl. Tomboyish appearance is what she is comfortable with and the way she speaks, almost yelling and to be honest,I don;t really like her characteristics and well yeah, I always kinda judge people using my only eyes back then. What a bad attitude I'm having sighh. After whe came to the UK, I haven't really heard news about her because obviously we were not in good term anyway and she is my senior by year and not by age to be frank. And thats the news I last heard about her then. In September 2010, I safely landed here in Plymouth with happy heart and ready to explore what's in store for me only to find that there are these sisters that will take a good look at us and guide us in everything that we do here in order not to let us go astray in this very foreign land. And you know what one of that 'sisters' is that vocal girl I knew back in Kota Bharu..Woww. The first time O lay my sight on her, I can detect changes in her. Her appearance was not like the time I used to see her before. It is just totally different from head to toe. And the rest is history i mean the good thing in her teaches and motivates me through my journey here and her past just let keep for own viewing.
What I really want to assert here is that If you want to change you should not ask somebody else to make it for you. You are the one responsible for your own life. What I mean here is, you decide what you want and what you hate. So, what is that so hard to change? What is that something in you that buffer you from changing bad to good. The only answer I can give is, it all lies in you. Whether you wanna change or not it all depends in your heart.

Summer Reminisce

Peace Be Upon You...

Obviously summer has gone and it is now Autumn in the UK. The weather here in Plymouth I can say it never really change because the weather for all four seasons kinda the same; windy, cloudy with loads of shower. And sometimes it can go like everyday nonstop and it really affect your mood when it's gloomy all day long looking at the weather outside. Well, like I've already mentioned in my previous post before, I went back to Malaysia for the summer break like I always do, you know plain simple. It would be impossible for me not to go home you know, because I never really stay away too long from my family. Family girl ya'lll ehehe. But unlike last year, I feel this year's summer holiday is the best one I had. To be frank, I;m not kinda person who travels  a lot when I'm back home and also a person who spend my time outside the house lepaking at mamaks or whatsoever because we don't have mamaks to begin with anyway. I live in kampung so obviously there are nothing like starbucks, oldtown, mamak nor karaoke booth. Just plain simple, a kampung with many kedai runcits and along the sawah padi field there is only one petrol pump that serves the whole daerah.But we live happily in this slow paced place and this is the life that I love. Then you may wonder what did I do at home when there is nothing special that I mentioned? Then I would answer I just sit at home doing nothing la. Well sometimes I did went out when my friends invited me to join them in Kota Bharu, where it is 20 kilos away from home.Since I don't have my own car at this moment so I depend a lot to theirs or take public transport where I can say kills me everytime because waiting for the bus to KB is like waiting for durian to fall off the trees. This is the place I spent my whole life and the place that shaped me to become who am I today. I've bent and broken here and bounce back to my original shape and it also happened here. All in all, I just wanna express my unconditional love to the small place where I came from. Compared to last year's summer holiday, this year I felt so reluctant to leave home. I'm so in love with my kampung that I cried several times before heading to KL to catch my flight. Unlike this year, last year I just felt that it was too boring to stay at home as I was too much infatuated with the new place called Plymouth. But after two years I realised that there will never be a place like home, I mean my real kampung. It is hot, humid, nothing special but I just can't explain my bond with my home that I feel like 3 years here is more than enough for me.

Too Hard To Focus

Peace Be Upon You...

I realised that since I left hometown and came here to study, there are something in me that have changed. If not too much changes then it might be slightly. Because I find myself is not the person I used to be in school days. I'm talking about focus here by the way. I remember that back in school days, I used to be able to focus in class. Maybe n0t the whole hour of the subject but I can say half of it I do pay attention on what the teachers are saying without having my mind travel to the under world. But these days, paying attention seems to be too hard to do and it is something that I need to keep forcing myself to do everyday. When I go to class and the class started, I just found that I'm only focusing for the earliest ten minutes of the subject before I found myself thinking of what to eat this afternoon. And sometimes I don't even realise that I've lost track on what is the innocent people is talking at the front. Poor that man and poor me as well coz I'm not getting anything complete  in class everyday. And I always ended up searching the missing puzzle pieces everyday from my friends and only if they are good enough to help me with my puzzle then. This thing is actually bothering me because I'm in the final year of study and this year is very important to me even if I don't  really like studying in the first place you know. And last week on thursday, I attended my first lecture on an lective subject called the birth of novel and hearing from the title i think you can guess how the subject might be. Undeniably boring is the key word for this thing and I can only stand straight for only 15 minutes before I have to pinch my eyelids to keep them open and the rest is history. The next 2 hours was..welll yawning all day until it ends at 5. But the magic moment only happened when my lecturer said, 'thats it for today' then I don't know where does my energy came to just walk straight to the door chatting with all the girls I know all happy faces hmmm.I really miss the moment where I stayed at my study table studying for exams when I was 17. I think it maybe due to aging that people can't concentrate for a long time or is it only me that acted this way or am I aging a little ungracefully Hmmm

If this is easy

Peace Be Upon You...

In less than an hour I will be going to class for the first time in this third year. And just now my friends and I have a simple meeting with the programme leader and all our lecturers that gonna be teaching us for this whole nine months period.And again the thing I afraid the most is dissertation talk. The whole thing keeps on haunting me forcing me to use extra energy to maintain sane thinking pheww. They all said that its gonna be alot of fun doing that you know. Well we'll see how much fun its gonna be though. I really hope I will not be killed half way through. I really want to finish here real soon and be back to Malaysia where I can see familiar faces around me. InsyaAllah I'll stay strong no matter how choppy the sea gonna be, pray for me too then :)

9 Months to Make a People

Peace be Upon You

The best example to follow

All praise to God for giving a smooth journey from Malaysia back to the UK. After a gruesome journey of an almost 24 hour total up together bus+plane+another plane+bus again, I am safe and sound in my little house. Alhamdulillah. After  a storm of events happening lately it gives me a little funny feeling of coming back here to finish what I left half way through...sigh. After spending about three months of my life not touching any books or readings and being away from microsoft words, I feel so clueless about starting to play with it once again. Only God knows how gruesome I am feeling right now.And to add more dramatic effect on that, this is my final year here and most definitely the very most important year of all. And don't forget that I have to do dissertation too. Hearing the word dissertation just make me feel dizzy and wanting to puke, let alone writing ten thousand words on academic thing. So not my cup of milo la. But you know life is life and I am no one with whatever superpower to stop time from ticking though. No matter how much i hate that thing I have to slowly accept it , oh no!! My next 9 months here will be very hectic I suspect and it is definitely going to go after me very soon. Well 9 months may make a human  but for me 9 months may marks the start of my life as a graduate student, InsyaALLAH. I really hope that this year will be the most awesome year here despite all many works waiting for me ahead.:)

Hilang Itu Mengajar

Peace Be Upon You.

Dalam kehidupan seharian kita, kita banyak mengumpul. Tak kiralah apa yang kita kumpul. Kumpul harta, kumpul stem, kumpul buku, gambar ataupun apa sahaja. Banyak sangat benda yang kita kumpul sehingga kadang2 kita mungkin dah lupa akan betapa banyaknya koleksi dalam rumah kita. Banyak sangat mungkin sehingga berjalan pon tersepak. Terfikirkah kita bila kita akan kehilangan semua benda yang kita kumpul itu. Mungkin juga hidup kita terlalu bahagia hingga kita lupa untuk 'expect the unexpected'. Biasalah lumrah manusia kita selalu sahaja lupa apabila kita berada di dalam zon selesa kehidupan kita. Banyak yang kita mahukan dan selalunya kita mahu sesuatu itu dengan jalan yang senang. Logiklah manuisa ini memang begitu. Saya pon manusia juga memang begitu, kalau boleh nak berjaya dengan senang. Kalau boleh nak graduate secepat yang mungkin tanpa perlu bazirkan 2 tahun dari hidup saya berkelana di bumi asing dengan mengadap peljaran yang sentiasa memberi stress dan keguguran rambut yang serius. 

Dan baru2 sesetangah perkara membuatkan saya tersedar akan kehidupan yang saya lalui ini memang banyak dah saya kumpul tapi sayangnya benda yang saya kumpul itu nyata sekali tak boleh nak menolong saya diakhirat kelak. Sibuk kumpul beli periuk belanga kesukaan. Ialah kalau dah namanya suka memang kita akan buat apa sahaja untuk dpatkanya. Bukan setakat periuk belanga sebenarnya, segala buku, novel, perkakas lektrik, perhiasan dan banyak lagilah. Bila tengok barang yang kita ada tu rasa seronok kan? Rasa macamkita dah achieve sesuatu walaupon tak tunjuk dekat orang pon. Rasa macam kita punyai sesuatu yang kita boleh rasa gembira. Tapi ingatlah manusia, apa yang sebenarnya akan kekal? 

Dalam beberapa masalah yang berlaku sepanjang beberapa bulan kebelakangan ini, segala harta yang saya rasa sangat berharga pada saya hilang begitu sahaja tanpa dapat saya pertahankan hak saya. Itulah kisahnya saya kehilangan apa yang saya kumpul selama dua tahun. Mula2 rasa sangat sedih, ialah banyak kot duit yang saya habiskan untuk semua barang yang saya ada tu. Semua pon habis terbuang tanpa tinggalkan sisa satupon. Bolehlah kata kalau nak menangis setitik dua tu kira oklah kan.

Tapi dalam dok mengenangkan keadaan diri yang kehilangan harta dunia ni,saya sebenarnya lagi sedih memikirkan nasib saya 'disana'. Didunia ini mungkin kita kata kita diuji dengan pelbagai dugaan dan tahukah kita apa sebenarnya maksud dugaan tersebut. Tidak lain tidak bukan adalah untuk mengajr kita akan erti hidup. Apa sebenarnya tujuan kita diutuskan didunia ini. Untuk kumpul barang kegemaran atau untuk apa sebenarnya? Bila saya hilang segala apa yang saya gemari dalam sekelip mata ia sangatlah banyak mengingatkan saya yang kita didunia tiada apa yang kekal. Ingatkah kita untuk berbuat ibadah sebanyak mungkin. Memang ia sesuatu yang sukar tambah2 lagi ianya sesuatu yang kita x nampak hasilnya didunia ni.Kalau macam kerja, memang penat kita kerja tapi lepas tu kita dpat gaji dan beli pulak perabot moden kegemaran kalbu. Kita boleh nampak hasilnya nyata didepan mata. Lain pulak dengan ibadah sebab kita x nampak hasilnya hinggalah tibanya hari perhitungan. Maka disitulah letaknya pengakhiran kita. Samada kita bekerja keras didunia dan akan kaya di sana ataupon kita kerja malas didunia dan akhirnya bankrap di sana. Begitu jugalah hal ini mengajar saya bahawa betapa kita sayangkan sesuatu di dunia ini,satu pon kita tak akan boleh bawak ke kubur walau sekeping gambar sekalipun. Ia sebenarnya begitu menginsafkan saya tentang perihal kewujudan saya di muka bumi ini. Di harap moga saya tidak akan fanatik terlalu amat lagi akan dunia ini. Semoga kita semua akan berusaha walaupun payah mengumpul 'harta' untuk dibelanjakan disana InsyaAllah

Fasa Peredaran

Peace be Upon You

Semakin tahun berlalu semakin bertambah usia. Itulah lumrah hidup. Masa berlalu ke hadapan bukan ke belakang, tumbesaran berlaku kearah semakin membesar bukan semakin mengecil, dan itulah hakikatnya. Bila saya lihat di sekeliling saya, dapat saya lihat yang dunia sebenarnya semakin berubah dalam keadaan saya masih kurang sedar akan perubahanya ataupun saya yang buat-buat tak perasan akan perubahan tersebut. Di tahun 2012 ini, umur saya sudahpun menjangkau 23 tahun. Sebenarnya saya masih dalam dilema tak dpt nak menerima kenyataan (in denial) yang saya sudahpun dewasa. Masih terasa diri kecil lagi (perasannya *_*) Serasanye terlalu banyak perkara manis yang berlaku semasa kecil sehingga saya tidak terasa untuk menginjak ke arah dewasa. Namun itu bukanlah alasan untuk saya tidak meneruskan hidup dalam jalan yang sebetulnya. Kadang2 apabila melihat adik yang sudah pun berusia 20 tahun ini mengejutkan saya dari mimpi yang semua adik beradik pun sudah dewasa tidak ketinggalan saya juga. Makin lama terasa makin mengundur pula pemikiran ni. Tapi sejak setahun dua kebelakangan ini menyedarkan saya yang saya sebenarnya tidak boleh lagi lari dari kenyataan usia saya tidak pause walaupun saya sekuat hati tidak mahu menginjak dewasa. Apa yang jelas menunjukkan yang usia dewasa ini ialah apabila melihat sudah ramai kawan2 yang bertunang malahan berkahwin dan ada juga yang sudah punyai 2 orang anak. Ya Allah memang rasa seperti kene tumbuk di muka apabila dengar cerita tentang kawan2 lama yang bukan sekadar sudah habis belajar tapi yang sudah berumah tangga beranak pinak. Aduhh terasa diri sangatlah tidak matang nak dicompare dengan mereka ni. Walaupun saya ni masih dalam denial untuk terima yang saya dah pun tua tapi saya tak boleh nak nafikan yang saya pun teingin untuk punyai keluarga sendiri dalam usia yang muda ini. Rasanya tak mahulah saya bazirkan masa muda lakukan perkara yang melalaikan diri. Kadang2 x boleh nk sembunyi perasaan jahat iaitu cemburu tengok masing2 sudah punya suami atau isteri disamping anak yang of courselah comel2 belaka. Rasa macam loser bila tengok diri sendiri yang masih tak ada pencapaian lagi, belajar tak abis lagi, masih ada dua tahun dan bab2 lain usah cerita lah memang nehi hey. 

Pernah jgk bincang perkara ni dengan kawan2 yang lain dan masing2 pon bagi pendapat yang lebih kurang sama. ' Eh aku teringin betolla nak kawen, jeles naw u tengok ramai kawan yang dah kawen'. Ish ish ish memang kalau perempuan sebaya duduk sekali, tak pernah sering lah bincang hal nikah kahwin ni. Tapi bila difikirkan dan dikaji dari segi logiknya, kenapa kita belum diberikan jodoh. Jangan asyik salahkan takdir sahaja. Bila dilihatkan perbezaan perwatakan orang yang dah kawin dengan yang belum,memang ade bezanya. Terlihat aura kematangan pada mereka yang sudah berkahwin. Bukanlah saya nak katakan yang orang belum kahwin ni tak matang tapi ada dalam aspek tertentu orang yang sudah kawin ni lebih sedikit matangnya. Dan saya pernah terbaca satu artikel tapi lupa pula dimana sumbernya yang mengatakan bahawa mungkin kita selalu bertanya pada diri sendiri kenapalah kita masih belum dikurniakan jodoh walaupun lama sudah diri  meronta-ronta punya keinginan untuk berkahwin. Ada sebabnya semua ini berlaku. Mungkin kita memang punyai hasrat untuk kawin tapi tanpa kita sedari yang kita sebenarnya masih lagi belum bersedia. Kita sebenarnya mungkin jeles tengok orang yang sudah berkahwin dengan pasangan masing2 dan terlintas dalam hati bahawa 'ah sweetnya la diorang tu'. Ternyata yang kita sebenarnya masih belum faham akan tujuan utama perkahwinana bukanlah semata-mata untuk berada dalam keadaan 'sweet' itu sepanjang masa. Masih banyak lagi tanggungjawab yang tersorok dari pandangan umum yang kadang2 kita tak terfikirkan. Berkahwin bukan senang dan bukan sekadar suka2 untuk jangka masa honeymoon sahaja tetapi tujuan perkahwinan itu sangatlah hebat sebenarnya. 

Makanya apabila didalami dan ditanyakan akan sahabat2 yang telah berkahwin menyedarkan saya yang sebenarnya terlalu besar tanggungjawab setelah berkahwin. Dan memang masalah cemburu melihat kawan2 yang telah berkahwin itu ada tapi ia lebih menyedarkan saya yang jika mahu berkahwin dalam usia muda ini, masih terlalu banyak ilmu yang perlu saya sematkan dalam diri. BUkan sahaja ilmu rumah tangga tapi yang lebih penting ialah ilmu agama sebabnya bila berkahwin tak mungkin kita tak punyai hasrat untuk mempunyai anak kan? Dan untuk punyai anak sendiri dan untk mendidik mereka bukanlah perkara yang boleh dipetik dengan jari sahaja. Perkara yang paling saya bimbangi jika saya ditakdirkan berkahwin dan punyai anak sendiri nanti ialah saya terlalu risau jika anak2 saya tidak membesar menjadi manusia yang berguna pada agama dan manusia sejagat. Astaghfirullahalazim. Tambahan pula dizaman kemodenan yang melanda dunia ini, banyak sungguh dugaan ibu bapa dalam mendidik anak menjadi anak soleh.

Sesungguhnya dalam bab nikah kahwin ini,saya serahkan sepenuh pengharapan pada Allah agar dikurniakan jodoh yang baik kepada saya dan selebihnya perlulah saya berusaha untuk memperbaiki diri dalam hidup yang penuh dugaan ini. Dan tidak lupa kepada kawan2 saya yang saya sayangi yang sudah bertunang atau sudahpun berkahwin, saya ucapkan Barakallah. Tiada apa yang saya pohon kecuali keberkatan dan kerukunan dalam rumah tangga meraka, InsyaAllah.