Peace Be Upon You...
Throughout our life no matter how long have we lived in this world, there would be times where the feeling of jealousy creeps into ourselves. There are too many things that happens in our life that make us feel jealous of our environment or is it just me who feel this way. When I was young, I went to school with the intention of succeeding in my study or at least get number one in class and of course this is what all students want as the outcome of their gruesome years in school. Yes and it is no easy job to always get number one in class for every exams we had. I do not come from rich family and what I really want that time was to make myself better and change the way I lived my life and like it or not the people around me have shaped me into a person who believe in the notion of success in life is when you excel in your studies in school, get enrolled into university into at least medical, engineering, architectural or law courses and then work and get paid with high wages per month. My brain had been washed with the materialistic notion until I've become blackened with the intention of having more money means you are now a successful person. Well those things always sticks in my mid and soul and everytime I think about it. No matter how hard my studies were in secondary school, I pushed myself to perservere because I thought that it is the only way to help bring myself out of the hardship I was in. Secondary school was not the best thing that ever happened in my teenage years. Everyday, I spent 8 hours at school for normal days and extra 2 hours in exam years and it was truly tiring and brain squeezing time of my life. Sometimes, I feel like giving up study because the pressure of succeeding in SPM was too severe. And being in the first class with lots of brilliant and extremely hard working friends added to the tension distress life of mine. I was not born brilliant or genius in a sense that I really need to work extra hard than the other to get what I have. I can describe my self as a some sort of slow learner when it come to science and math subject. At first I just can't accept that why am I not like any other friends of mine who understands each and every formula given by the teacher at the first time they taught us. In order to really grasp on the topic I need to study them on my own for several times and also asked my friends help who happens to be utter genius in evrything. This even heated up my situation. Sometimes, I even have to do exercise on the same additional maths question for five times and still didn't get to solve it until I stained my calculation papers with tears. And the worst part of it I forget them very easily too, the way how to calculate it and how did I get the previous answers. This has made me very self conscious when it came to calculation thingy and hate all subjects that have any relation with numbers. Because of this, I nearly failed two important subjects in every examinations and everytime it was exam times, my tears never dried up. Frankly saying, my life in upper secondary years (2 years to be exact) was full with tears. I asked myself why did it too hard to get what I want. I just want to get good marks in SPM and enroll in university and become architect, but it seems to far away. My closest friend that happen to be my near relative (my classmate a.k.a deskmate) is a pure genius. She, in every exams that we did obtained the average of 90+ in every subject and that was the thing that I can only congratulate her with beaming eyes.
There was time when I questioned myself of the validity of luck and destiny. Is it that I was just having a bad luck in life that I was not successful in everything that I do. No matter how hard I try, I never really get to be the best. I was a good painter, but not good enough to get the highest mark in test. I was good in English (as my teacher said that and surprisingly I believed her) but never really get to be the best writer for essays and many other things. This has led me to cry my eyes out and crying has become my hobby back then. I will spend my time several days a week crying in every quite place I went reminiscing how bad luck I was having. At this moment, my motivation and confidence level dropped a few notches down and there were times when I don't feel like going to school. I didn't know how to express my feeling back then and find the mere excuses to pick a fight with my mum and didn't actually talk to her and everyone in the family for two consecutive weeks. My emotion was so severe that I didn't eat well and play well. I was having all the intention of not going to school but I was too nerdy to skip class.Despite the hateful feeling I have for school, I still successfully went to school but of course with heavy heart. Then I started developing jealousy towards my friends. I envy them for everything they have, for everything they own and even the slightest things annoys me. I envy them for having a good life and not having to work their ass of to have anything they want unlike me. As I said, I come from an average family with 5 siblings and at that times everyone were still in school. We have the most common thing that every commoners have. And If I want something, its either I have to get it myself by saving pocket money that I have or just keep it as a dream and shortlist them as items I would get when I earn my own money which happens to be 'I don't know when'. I was too afraid to ask from my parents as I think I will be burdening them with my wish wishlist. I remember at times in primary school where I just feel so sorry to ask them for 20 cents to buy candies and this was the beginning of me becoming a person who's goal is the materialistic glory and this was also the beginning of me becoming jealous of everything I see all around me. What a shame. This post is getting longer so I think I should put a hold on this title and maybe continue next time *_*
Throughout our life no matter how long have we lived in this world, there would be times where the feeling of jealousy creeps into ourselves. There are too many things that happens in our life that make us feel jealous of our environment or is it just me who feel this way. When I was young, I went to school with the intention of succeeding in my study or at least get number one in class and of course this is what all students want as the outcome of their gruesome years in school. Yes and it is no easy job to always get number one in class for every exams we had. I do not come from rich family and what I really want that time was to make myself better and change the way I lived my life and like it or not the people around me have shaped me into a person who believe in the notion of success in life is when you excel in your studies in school, get enrolled into university into at least medical, engineering, architectural or law courses and then work and get paid with high wages per month. My brain had been washed with the materialistic notion until I've become blackened with the intention of having more money means you are now a successful person. Well those things always sticks in my mid and soul and everytime I think about it. No matter how hard my studies were in secondary school, I pushed myself to perservere because I thought that it is the only way to help bring myself out of the hardship I was in. Secondary school was not the best thing that ever happened in my teenage years. Everyday, I spent 8 hours at school for normal days and extra 2 hours in exam years and it was truly tiring and brain squeezing time of my life. Sometimes, I feel like giving up study because the pressure of succeeding in SPM was too severe. And being in the first class with lots of brilliant and extremely hard working friends added to the tension distress life of mine. I was not born brilliant or genius in a sense that I really need to work extra hard than the other to get what I have. I can describe my self as a some sort of slow learner when it come to science and math subject. At first I just can't accept that why am I not like any other friends of mine who understands each and every formula given by the teacher at the first time they taught us. In order to really grasp on the topic I need to study them on my own for several times and also asked my friends help who happens to be utter genius in evrything. This even heated up my situation. Sometimes, I even have to do exercise on the same additional maths question for five times and still didn't get to solve it until I stained my calculation papers with tears. And the worst part of it I forget them very easily too, the way how to calculate it and how did I get the previous answers. This has made me very self conscious when it came to calculation thingy and hate all subjects that have any relation with numbers. Because of this, I nearly failed two important subjects in every examinations and everytime it was exam times, my tears never dried up. Frankly saying, my life in upper secondary years (2 years to be exact) was full with tears. I asked myself why did it too hard to get what I want. I just want to get good marks in SPM and enroll in university and become architect, but it seems to far away. My closest friend that happen to be my near relative (my classmate a.k.a deskmate) is a pure genius. She, in every exams that we did obtained the average of 90+ in every subject and that was the thing that I can only congratulate her with beaming eyes.
There was time when I questioned myself of the validity of luck and destiny. Is it that I was just having a bad luck in life that I was not successful in everything that I do. No matter how hard I try, I never really get to be the best. I was a good painter, but not good enough to get the highest mark in test. I was good in English (as my teacher said that and surprisingly I believed her) but never really get to be the best writer for essays and many other things. This has led me to cry my eyes out and crying has become my hobby back then. I will spend my time several days a week crying in every quite place I went reminiscing how bad luck I was having. At this moment, my motivation and confidence level dropped a few notches down and there were times when I don't feel like going to school. I didn't know how to express my feeling back then and find the mere excuses to pick a fight with my mum and didn't actually talk to her and everyone in the family for two consecutive weeks. My emotion was so severe that I didn't eat well and play well. I was having all the intention of not going to school but I was too nerdy to skip class.Despite the hateful feeling I have for school, I still successfully went to school but of course with heavy heart. Then I started developing jealousy towards my friends. I envy them for everything they have, for everything they own and even the slightest things annoys me. I envy them for having a good life and not having to work their ass of to have anything they want unlike me. As I said, I come from an average family with 5 siblings and at that times everyone were still in school. We have the most common thing that every commoners have. And If I want something, its either I have to get it myself by saving pocket money that I have or just keep it as a dream and shortlist them as items I would get when I earn my own money which happens to be 'I don't know when'. I was too afraid to ask from my parents as I think I will be burdening them with my wish wishlist. I remember at times in primary school where I just feel so sorry to ask them for 20 cents to buy candies and this was the beginning of me becoming a person who's goal is the materialistic glory and this was also the beginning of me becoming jealous of everything I see all around me. What a shame. This post is getting longer so I think I should put a hold on this title and maybe continue next time *_*
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