Died down

Peace Be Upon You...

Almost a month since I started final year. Year has been ermmm how do I say...okay. Well, I have been to class for 4 weeks and next week I'll be having a week off. No special holiday in the UK but my university call that reading week so they give students one week off to actually read. And I'm telling you my honest confession that reading is not on my list at all ahahha. I think maybe it's called study week in Malaysia but here we are not getting any exams in the near future. I have been thinking of going to Paris for few days and come back to prepare for dissertation. Hmm my classmates and I are all in dissertation mood swing now cos we are all expected to start writing 10 thousand words research to be able to finish third year. That sounds excruciatingly pain the ^_^. 

Paris might be the last place I'll visit in Europe I think. I have a feeling that I have had enough of Europe even though I haven't been to all countries yet. I just have the feeling of not wanting to travel anymore. And since this is my final year here in the UK, my mind keep thinking of heading to my homeland and start a family of my own. Well I'm a dreamer but that's normal thing to request right. At my age now, starting a family is sth that is common and most of my friends have already did. I remember a sentence that my friend said to me last year listening to my stories of having plans to travel around Europe to see the world,' I do have plans on traveling but if I have the opportunity to be with my family and the people I love, then that is more rewarding than traveling'. It kinda grows on me lately. I realised that my love for travelling have slowly died down. Yeah, I too think that if I am able to be with my beloved family and loved ones, then travelling is not sth that I'll look forward to anymore. I'd rather spend my whole time with them. And luckily enough that friend of mine is going to get married soon in February next year and obviously I won't be ableto attend her wedding cos I will be very busy struggling to finish my dissie here. oh my god, I can't wait to go home... I just think that 3 years is enough for me to learn and to really feel how's life in foreign land. It taught me a lot; on life and on how to be a better human.

Is it Envy or Is it Jealousy?

Peace be Upon You...

In relation to the previous post of Jealousy, this time I will continue writing on the same title. Thinking back at my childhood time, I remember very vividly when was the exact time that I first develop this bad feeling of mine. It was when I just turned 8. I was in standard two at that time and it happened to be that I was with my 3 other relatives in my class. I was considered the oldest among us 4 as they all are my cousins' child so I am their parents' cousin (mind you my family has a quite awkward family tree, where the age difference between cousins and uncles/unties are huge by range of 8 to 60+ years of the youngest and the oldest) Among us all I can say that I'm the most average in living my life but in terms of intelligence we are all rather at the same level. Genius issue didn't exist at this very moment. At school I was in good terms with them 3 (2 girls and 1 boy, I will describe them by N, S and R) where we shared almost evrything we have. I shared my home brought food with them as my mom always pack food from home in order to save money and we were very happy with our little life. I can remember that one of them always give me 20 cents, because I think she pitied me but I never really understand her action back then. What a bummer I was duhhhh. Everything was smooth sailing until one day, when we finished our monthly exam and the teacher was distributing our answer sheet back to us. It was English subject and I didn't know why but I happens to love english very much. There are no  'teacher" or 'more knowledgeable other' in the family that taught us english as my parents can't speak nor understand english well but I came to like english and I read and watch tv programmes in english to polish up my english skill. Okay back to the exam story; my teacher said I was good because I got 99% but that wasn't actually good enough to beat another rivalry of mine. She was N and she got 100% and at that very moment the teacher (used to be my favourite teacher in school) said she had a present for those who got 100%. The present was a children story book. Actually the present was not all that dashing but as an 8 years old girl, I was mesmerized by the colourful pages of the book and started developing envy for her. It is obvious that I really want that book because I can't afford to buy one on my own or even if I told my mum to buy it for me, she has too many other important things to settle and won't make any difference if I got the book or not. What makes me even sadder was that our 1 mark margin. I thought the teacher would give another consolation prize for those who achieved second but to my disappointment there was none. I was questioning the validity of her marks compared to mine and the fact that she got outside help from tuition center that I obviously can't afford at that time. What an ungrateful kid I am..uuhhh T_T
After that incidence, I was so determined to get 100% in every english test and Alhamdulillah luckily I did. I was obviously happy to have achieved such a mark and you know,I was still a kid at that time. I was thinking, would the teacher give me any present for scoring 100%. The answer is a big 'NO'. I didn't receive any present what so ever it made me truly sad and dissapointed at the same time. I really want to have that lovely storybook. I didn't even tell my parents I got 100% and they only knew it when I brought back my record book. Somehow, that incident did mark my first time of feeling  jealous towards my friend. Alhamdulillah, eventhough I was still a kid at that time, I didn't let the angry and jealous feeling of mine drown me away. I did manage to banish my dissapointment of not getting any prize for scoring in exams away and keep on my determination to keep first place in my hand. I just let the incident slide and continue schooling as usual and enjoy every english class I attend. I realised that my passion in english grew stronger and I started helping my friends with their readings and pronunciation problem and I enjoyed being a help to them since then. My school is in kampung area so not many students are exposed to english. Everyone prefer using their native language and very rarely listen to english medium context. I learned it the hard way because I can't afford going to extra classes at the town so I read on my own, listen to english news on the tv and do some other work to polish my english and I did achieve what I want. I was able to be the highest achiever in my class and yes the teacher did saw my passion and praised me. Her praise was the happiest thing I ever received at the age 9. After some time passed by, I didn't really think of getting prize anymore and we (friends) were all in good terms despite that I envied her back then. Not long after we reached 9, two of them (N and R) switched school leaving me with S. I felt a little lost but life continues. After they've gone, I have no competitors that always want to snatch 1st place from me anymore and I can say my envy and jealousy has died down for that time until it strikes back a few years later in secondary school..sighhhh

Unavoidable Jealousy

Peace Be Upon You...

Throughout our life no matter how long have we lived in this world, there would be times where the feeling of jealousy creeps into ourselves. There are too many things that happens in our life that make us feel jealous of our environment or is it just me who feel this way. When I was young, I went to school with the intention of succeeding in my study or at least get number one in class and of course this is what all students want as the outcome of their gruesome years in school. Yes and it is no easy job to always get number one in class for every exams we had. I do not come from rich family and what I really want that time was to make myself better and change the way I lived my life and like it or not the people around me have shaped me into a person who believe in the notion of success in life is when you excel in your studies in school, get enrolled into university into at least medical, engineering, architectural or law courses and then work and get paid with high wages per month. My brain had been washed with the materialistic notion until I've become blackened with the intention of having more money means you are now a successful person. Well those things always sticks in my mid and soul and everytime I think about it. No matter how hard my studies were in secondary school, I pushed myself to perservere because I thought that it is the only way to help bring myself out of the hardship I was in. Secondary school was not the best thing that ever happened in my teenage years. Everyday, I spent 8 hours at school for normal days and extra 2 hours in exam years and it was truly tiring and brain squeezing time of my life. Sometimes, I feel like giving up study because the pressure of succeeding in SPM was too severe. And being in the first class with lots of brilliant and extremely hard working friends added to the tension distress life of mine. I was not born brilliant or genius in a sense that I really need to work extra hard than the other to get what I have. I can describe my self as a some sort of slow learner when it come to science and math subject. At first I just can't accept that why am I not like any other friends of mine who understands each and every formula given by the teacher at the first time they taught us. In order to really grasp on the topic I need to study them on my own for several times and also asked my friends help who happens to be utter genius in evrything. This even heated up my situation. Sometimes, I even have to do exercise on the same additional maths question for five times and still didn't get to solve it until I stained my calculation papers with tears. And the worst part of it I forget them very easily too, the way how to calculate it and how did I get the previous answers. This has made me very self conscious when it came to calculation thingy and hate all subjects that have any relation with numbers. Because of this, I nearly failed two important subjects in every examinations and everytime it was exam times, my tears never dried up. Frankly saying, my life in upper secondary years (2 years to be exact) was full with tears. I asked myself why did it too hard to get what I want. I just want to get good marks in SPM and enroll in university and become architect, but it seems to far away. My closest friend that happen to be my near relative (my classmate a.k.a deskmate) is a pure genius. She, in every exams that we did obtained the average of 90+ in every subject and that was the thing that I can only congratulate her with beaming eyes.

There was time when I questioned myself of the validity of luck and destiny. Is it that I was just having a bad luck in life that I was not successful in everything that I do. No matter how hard I try, I never really get to be the best. I was a good painter, but not good enough to get the highest mark in test. I was good in English (as my teacher said that and surprisingly I believed her) but never really get to be the best writer for essays and many other things. This has led me to cry my eyes out and crying has become my hobby back then. I will spend my time several days a week crying in every quite place I went reminiscing how bad luck I was having. At this moment, my motivation and confidence level dropped a few notches down and there were times when I don't feel like going to school. I didn't know how to express my feeling back then and find the mere excuses to pick a fight with my mum and didn't actually talk to her and everyone in the family for two consecutive weeks. My emotion was so severe that I didn't eat well and play well. I was having all the intention of not going to school but I was too nerdy to skip class.Despite the hateful feeling I have for school, I still successfully went to school but of course with heavy heart. Then I started developing jealousy towards my friends. I envy them for everything they have, for everything they own and even the slightest things annoys me. I envy them for having a good life and not having to work their ass of to have anything they want unlike me. As I said, I come from an average family with 5 siblings and at that times everyone were still in school. We have the most common thing that every commoners have. And If I want something, its either I have to get it myself by saving pocket money that I have or just keep it as a dream and shortlist them as items I would get when I earn my own money which happens to be 'I don't know when'. I was too afraid to ask from my parents as I think I will be burdening them with my wish wishlist. I remember at times in primary school where I just feel so sorry to ask them for 20 cents to buy candies and this was the beginning of me becoming a person who's goal is the materialistic glory and this was also the beginning of me becoming jealous of everything I see all around me. What a shame. This post is getting longer so I think I should put a hold on this title and maybe continue next time *_*

It Lies in Ourself

Peace Be Upon You...

Just know, I have finished reading an interesting article from a convert sister, an inspiring article by her entitled, 'why is it too hard to change?' Only reading at the title, it kinda rings a bell in my self. Frankly speaking,I have been asking myself the same question for quite sometimes right now. Yes.. it really does linger in my mind every time I asked my self the opinion to change..for betterment.For the past two years in the UK surrounded by Malaysian and also the locals, I have seen many things that opened my eyes and mind. Some aspects in life just turned me into something else but some aspect just left me hanging in the air wanting for detailed explanation on what is happening. I have seen quite a handful of friends and not quite friends changed, both for betterment and also I just don't wanna say worse but not  really good condition I would say. I just adore for those who actually find them soul here in the land far far away from home. To name a few changes they've made without mentioning their name is a wise decision here I guess. I observe this one lady that I knew four years ago when we're still in our foundation years back in Malaysia and to be honest she is a very vocal girl. Tomboyish appearance is what she is comfortable with and the way she speaks, almost yelling and to be honest,I don;t really like her characteristics and well yeah, I always kinda judge people using my only eyes back then. What a bad attitude I'm having sighh. After whe came to the UK, I haven't really heard news about her because obviously we were not in good term anyway and she is my senior by year and not by age to be frank. And thats the news I last heard about her then. In September 2010, I safely landed here in Plymouth with happy heart and ready to explore what's in store for me only to find that there are these sisters that will take a good look at us and guide us in everything that we do here in order not to let us go astray in this very foreign land. And you know what one of that 'sisters' is that vocal girl I knew back in Kota Bharu..Woww. The first time O lay my sight on her, I can detect changes in her. Her appearance was not like the time I used to see her before. It is just totally different from head to toe. And the rest is history i mean the good thing in her teaches and motivates me through my journey here and her past just let keep for own viewing.
What I really want to assert here is that If you want to change you should not ask somebody else to make it for you. You are the one responsible for your own life. What I mean here is, you decide what you want and what you hate. So, what is that so hard to change? What is that something in you that buffer you from changing bad to good. The only answer I can give is, it all lies in you. Whether you wanna change or not it all depends in your heart.

Summer Reminisce

Peace Be Upon You...

Obviously summer has gone and it is now Autumn in the UK. The weather here in Plymouth I can say it never really change because the weather for all four seasons kinda the same; windy, cloudy with loads of shower. And sometimes it can go like everyday nonstop and it really affect your mood when it's gloomy all day long looking at the weather outside. Well, like I've already mentioned in my previous post before, I went back to Malaysia for the summer break like I always do, you know plain simple. It would be impossible for me not to go home you know, because I never really stay away too long from my family. Family girl ya'lll ehehe. But unlike last year, I feel this year's summer holiday is the best one I had. To be frank, I;m not kinda person who travels  a lot when I'm back home and also a person who spend my time outside the house lepaking at mamaks or whatsoever because we don't have mamaks to begin with anyway. I live in kampung so obviously there are nothing like starbucks, oldtown, mamak nor karaoke booth. Just plain simple, a kampung with many kedai runcits and along the sawah padi field there is only one petrol pump that serves the whole daerah.But we live happily in this slow paced place and this is the life that I love. Then you may wonder what did I do at home when there is nothing special that I mentioned? Then I would answer I just sit at home doing nothing la. Well sometimes I did went out when my friends invited me to join them in Kota Bharu, where it is 20 kilos away from home.Since I don't have my own car at this moment so I depend a lot to theirs or take public transport where I can say kills me everytime because waiting for the bus to KB is like waiting for durian to fall off the trees. This is the place I spent my whole life and the place that shaped me to become who am I today. I've bent and broken here and bounce back to my original shape and it also happened here. All in all, I just wanna express my unconditional love to the small place where I came from. Compared to last year's summer holiday, this year I felt so reluctant to leave home. I'm so in love with my kampung that I cried several times before heading to KL to catch my flight. Unlike this year, last year I just felt that it was too boring to stay at home as I was too much infatuated with the new place called Plymouth. But after two years I realised that there will never be a place like home, I mean my real kampung. It is hot, humid, nothing special but I just can't explain my bond with my home that I feel like 3 years here is more than enough for me.

Too Hard To Focus

Peace Be Upon You...

I realised that since I left hometown and came here to study, there are something in me that have changed. If not too much changes then it might be slightly. Because I find myself is not the person I used to be in school days. I'm talking about focus here by the way. I remember that back in school days, I used to be able to focus in class. Maybe n0t the whole hour of the subject but I can say half of it I do pay attention on what the teachers are saying without having my mind travel to the under world. But these days, paying attention seems to be too hard to do and it is something that I need to keep forcing myself to do everyday. When I go to class and the class started, I just found that I'm only focusing for the earliest ten minutes of the subject before I found myself thinking of what to eat this afternoon. And sometimes I don't even realise that I've lost track on what is the innocent people is talking at the front. Poor that man and poor me as well coz I'm not getting anything complete  in class everyday. And I always ended up searching the missing puzzle pieces everyday from my friends and only if they are good enough to help me with my puzzle then. This thing is actually bothering me because I'm in the final year of study and this year is very important to me even if I don't  really like studying in the first place you know. And last week on thursday, I attended my first lecture on an lective subject called the birth of novel and hearing from the title i think you can guess how the subject might be. Undeniably boring is the key word for this thing and I can only stand straight for only 15 minutes before I have to pinch my eyelids to keep them open and the rest is history. The next 2 hours was..welll yawning all day until it ends at 5. But the magic moment only happened when my lecturer said, 'thats it for today' then I don't know where does my energy came to just walk straight to the door chatting with all the girls I know all happy faces hmmm.I really miss the moment where I stayed at my study table studying for exams when I was 17. I think it maybe due to aging that people can't concentrate for a long time or is it only me that acted this way or am I aging a little ungracefully Hmmm