Have You Ever Feel Scared that You Killed?

Peace Be Upon You...

I was once very scared that made me killed. I was too scared of a chicken and killed it to get rid my fear of it. It's not funny to me at that time that I killed that poor chicken, but now when I reminisce the incidence it was quite a hillarious story. I can't remember the exact year that incident happen but it might be when I reached 10. The poor chicken to me at that time was very cruel. It looks nasty with it's near bald head, evil eyes glaring at me every time our eyes met and chased me every time I happened to be near him (lets give him a gender and pronoun him :)) I just couldn't figure out what was interesting in this 10 years old girl that he chose to chase me around the compound. He was so annoying and scary at the same time that I took the courage to take a firewood that my mom used to boil water and swung it at him hard. 

 The chicken was ugly with baldy head and fewer feather...hukhuk . Not this types of chicken Photo credit

At that very moment I hit him hard with the wood, I ran away to the house and hide. Because I scared he will come back to life and haunt me again with his sharp claw and ugly baldy head. For five minute I hid behind my bed  I took the courage to go and check upon him. It was fortunate for me that he lied there motionless and his eyes were wide shut!! I thought to myself for two seconds...'He is dead'. I was glad for only 7 seconds before I realised that I need to face a bigger problem which was ... My MUM. Fortunately for me the evil 'spirit' living in the chicken was killed by me but unfortunate event for my mum that she lost a chicken.

For the next 2 minutes I felt restless not knowing what to do with the dead chicken. I cannot process the chicken as dinner as I was only 10 and have no idea how on earth to do that either. The voice in me told me to throw it away into the neighbour's land, the place with many bushes and tall thatches. It was the best idea I could think of. With all the guts in me and the courage brought by fear of mum, I carried the chicken by the leg and swung it two times before he landed in between the tall thatches without trace. I was doomed if any of the families found out.

Around two days after the unfortunate incident of the chicken, mum started to realised that one of her chicken went missing without trace. I was having cold sweat but control my face reaction in front of them and pretending not knowing anything and in fact mum would never suspected me in relation to her missing chicken as I have never showed interest in live chicken anyway. But I could not contain my guilty and slightly confessed that I have some little thing to do with the dissapearance of the chicken. That was how it goes. I confess and shockingly mum said she had already thinking of that thing happening. Mum instinct of her daughter and a chicken affair..Awesome.

This post is not actually to talk about the chicken incident but some awful situation I'm facing right now. The chicken incident is a true story by the way :) ermm. The difference between these two situation is that I'm not in the right place to kill anymore. I have been dealing with dissertation blues which mean final year blues as well. I couldn't kill the dissertation as it is not a living thing and I can't kill my lecturers as well as they are not the one who set the rule to graduate with degree I have to write a dissertation, its the institution that I have to kill. But how? If I'm to kill those people then I have to kill everybody..and of course in this foreign land killing is what err...oh god. Give me strength to go through this thing.

I already realised that in order for me to have fear free life I just need to face the thing that scared me the most but yeahh that is not easy man. Not easy, it required a lot of courage and hard work. Not the type that take a firewood and fire the target like I did to the chicken. It is more than that...ohh life is 

This is actually my rambling as I'm in the process of writing my dissertation which I haven't continue writing for almost three weeks. I lost my inspiration already and keep doing escapism and deviate from doing what I supposed to do. In a week or so, I will have the second meeting with my supervisor and I'm feeling like my inside is grumbling like there is earthquake and tremor inside there.

I really need to find that missing shoes again and keep walking the bumpy road in order to reach the end and ting the bell...arghhhhh